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American Patriot Tom Brady Unites Divided Country by Losing Super Bowl to Underdog Bradley Cooper

Tom Brady, the man married to the most recognizable super model in the world and the quarterback who has won more super bowls than any other player in the history of the game, did America a huge favor by losing the Super Bowl and allowing every sports fan who hates Boston to forget their political affiliation for roughly ten minutes while they united behind Super Bowl champion Bradley Cooper.

“This isn’t surprising. Tom Brady comes from a long line of New England Patriots, including Samuel Adams, John Adams and John F. Kennedy. He saw the country needed to rally around a common cause and he knew that by losing it would bring together roughly 90% of the country that hates him for being too successful and having too hot of a wife,” said coach Bill Belichick after the game.

When asked if he was implying Tom Brady lost the game on purpose in order to bring the country together, Coach Belichick responded, “You think there’s any other reason we would have lost that game?.”

There was a brief moment in time when Tom Brady was not only the underdog in football, but unmarried as well. After his first Super Bowl win in early 2002, Brady had to make a decision. Would he want to remain America’s most beloved one-time Super Bowl winner, or become the hated, dream-crushing, super model marrying man he is now. Obviously he chose to dominate.

“Had Tom Brady won his sixth super bowl and put a dagger in my heart, it would have been devastating for our country. It would have divided us even more,” explained Hollywood actor Bradley Cooper after the game.

“The American people love me way more than they love Tom Brady, because I've never won an Oscar and I'm not married to a super model. So it’s only fair that I win and he lose,” Mr. Cooper added.

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