Report: World Has Aged a Century in Last 505 Days
QUEBEC - A new report that surveyed more than a billion people around the globe has concluded, based on increased rates of wrinkles, hair dye sales, and the inability to remember what happened last week, the world has collectively aged a century in the last 505 days.
“We’re calling it Trump-Family-Syndrome. People think they’re living in the 22nd century based on the rapid pace of chaos, scandal and change, but in fact it’s still 2018,” said lead researcher Dr. Brad Kaplan.
Scientists have agreed to develop treatment for the new syndrome, otherwise they say there is a risk an entire generation of the world population might not marry, have children or get jobs due to the fact they think they’re about to die.
“I remember Donald Trump coming down an escalator in Trump Tower, and almost everything since then is just a blur. Next thing you know, I’m on Propecia and I have two grandkids,” said 18 year-old David Harrison. (For the record, David does not even have his own children. He is just experiencing symptoms of Trump-Family-Syndrome).
Psychiatrists are perplexed by one element of the phenomenon, which is no one from the Trump Family seems to be effected by the syndrome.
“Everyone related to Trump either by blood or marriage seems to be living in the present time, at their biological age. Although we were initially surprised by this finding, it does make sense. Often times there is a ‘crucible’ for most diseases or syndromes. We are now looking at his family to find the antidote for the rest of the world,” added Dr. Kaplan.
The Satirical Post reached out to someone suffering from Trump-Family-Syndrome to verify the results of the report.
When asked when Steve Bannon worked in the White House, the man responded, “Seems like he was a significant player fifty years ago, so maybe the Eisenhower administration.”
When told Steve Bannon was fired from the White House only ten months ago, the man visibly aged another five years before he dropped dead.
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