Patriots Sign High School Phenom as Super Bowl Secret Weapon

With only one week of preparation left before the Super Bowl, the Patriots have signed what they call their ’secret weapon’, a high school senior, tight end from Cathedral High School in Boston, Patrick Greenstiles.

The announcement was made during the Patriots latest press conference, where head coach Bill Belichick introduced Mr. Greenstiles.

“Patrick is unlike any other player I’ve seen in my forty years in the NFL,” said Mr. Belichick. “We’ll be using him in all aspects of the game. That’s the kind of player he is,” Mr. Belichick added before refusing to answer any more questions.

“Since I was a kid, I've always dreamt of winning a Super Bowl playing with Tom Brady. I’m willing to do whatever Coach Belichick asks me to do in order to help the team win. Go Pats,” exclaimed Mr. Greenstiles before he left the podium.

The acquisition of Greenstiles continues a long history of unorthodox methods used by the Patriots to gain an advantage over opponents. For instance, many fans questioned Belichick’s decision to hire rocket scientist turned coach Matt Patricia as his defensive coordinator, or even allow him to keep a #2 pencil tucked behind his ear while coaching from the sidelines.

The controversial pickup has Philadelphia Eagle’s head coach Doug Pederson scratching his head, not sure what think. “Is this kid even going to play? Is he really that good? Like one of the bash brothers in Mighty Ducks or like the kid who can pitch really fast in that movie, Rookie of the Year? Maybe this is Belichick trying to get inside my head? I just don’t have the answer unfortunately,” uttered Mr. Pederson.

In seven days football fans around the world will see the kind of skills high school senior Patrick Greenstiles has shown Tom Brady in their brief workout session. “All I’ll say is that people are going to be surprised by Greenstiles’s talent. The kid is an animal,” said Brady.

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