NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre, in Drastic Shift, Gives Country the Okay to Debate Guns
A video released on the NRA website showed a calm and collected CEO Wayne LaPierre tell the American public that it is now okay to have a debate about guns and laws regulating guns. The announcement comes months after the latest American massacre, which occurred in Las Vegas at the Route 91 Harvest music festival, where 58 innocent human beings were killed by a gunman shooting from an elevated position, thirty-two floors up in the Mandalay Bay hotel and resort.
"To the best of our knowledge, we are now precisely at the midpoint between massacres. We feel the massacre midpoint is the only time to effectively have a debate over guns. Too early and we fail to honor those who were needlessly murdered, and too late gives the impression we're trying to prevent a massacre that can't be prevented," said LaPierre.
Expressions of thanksgiving were heard throughout the country, as those who typically appose the NRA were grateful for permission to begin debate. "This is a watershed moment in our ability to debate guns," said Senator Diane Feinstein, California's senior senator. When asked if Mr. LaPierre was correct in his estimation that we are in fact at the massacre midpoint, Ms. Feinstein replied, "I don't know. The federal government isn't allowed to collect data on violence involving guns That's why we rely so heavily on outside organizations like the NRA to supply us with data and advise."
Members of the NRA were one hundred percent behind their CEO's concession to have an open debate. "To be honest, I'm not even sure what the other side's arguments are. I've actually never listed to them. It'll be fun to hear them finally," said Dan Thornton, an avid hunter. When asked if he was worried that he could be swayed by the other side's arguments Mr. Thornton responded, "Does a ten pound bag of flour make a small biscuit?"
Regardless of political party, many Americans are ready for a solution for the carnage that is unique to our country. "I don't care if it's 'good guys' with RPGs or a buyback program that takes two hundred million guns off our streets. I want the needless loss of innocent life to stop," said Shirley Ray, a gun owning resident of Burlington, Vermont.
Several start-ups in Silicon Valley see American massacres as the new frontier for their disruption causing enterprises, and an opportunity to help their fellow citizens while making a trillion dollars in the process. "But really just to make the world a better place," said See-N-Shoot CEO Brian Shokolaski.
See-N-Shoot is developing what they call 'Armed Security Kiosks', what are essentially stand alone kiosks with a loaded AR-15, paired with proprietary retina technology that allows computers to look into a person's soul in order to see if they're evil.
"The machine fires off five rounds into the chest of anyone who scores above a six on the evil scale," explained Mr. Shokolaski. He pictures his kiosks at the entrances to elementary schools, sporting events, airports and anywhere people gather. When asked if government agencies had contacted him about the safety of such a devise he answered, "No. But for anyone who is worried about privacy, please know copies of your souls will be stored on our secured servers."
Taking advantage of the opening to discuss guns, Senator Feinstein and Senator Ted Cruz of Texas have agreed to meet in St. Louis, Missouri to have a town-hall style conversation about the merits of guns and the laws that govern them. They will each bring research done by any organization other than their own government, as well as charts and graphics in order to have the most informative conversation possible.
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