National Enquirer Offers Mueller Free Subscription in Exchange for Rights to Russia Investigation


NEW YORK, NY - Early Saturday morning, longtime friend to President Trump and publisher of National Enquirer, David Pecker continued his quest of acquiring information and stories harmful to the president by making an offer to Robert Mueller for the entirety of the Russia Investigation.

“We know Mueller can’t accept cash bribes, so we offered him a free, lifetime subscription to the tabloid. All he has to do is sign over the rights to the entire Russia Investigation and never speak a word of it to anyone,” said David Pecker.

The offer was communicated to Mueller via Trump’s former lawyer and fixer Michael Cohen, who has handled many of the Enquirer's hush deals.

“The Enquirer wanted someone with experience to handle this deal since it could have international ramifications. Plus since Mueller is already investigating me we have a nice, open channel of communication going,” said Michael Cohen when contacted by The Satirical Post.

Sources close to Mueller who spoke on the condition of anonymity told The Satirical Post the investigator doesn’t read the National Enquirer, and so a free, lifetime subscription most likely won't be enough for him to sell out the country.

When the National Enquirer publisher was asked if he intends to print the Russia Investigation findings, assuming Mueller takes his offer, Mr. Pecker responded, “Probably not. We have very high journalistic standards at the Enquirer and based on what I've read from the fake new media nothing Mueller has come up with is believable. So no, I don't think it would work for our publication."

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