Hillary Hands Over Missing Emails to FBI
Late Monday evening a lawyer for former Secretary of State and First Lady, Hillary Clinton, called Christopher Wray, the Director of the FBI, and announced that Hillary Clinton would be turning over the ‘missing’ emails from her time working as Secretary of State.
Mrs. Clinton did not ask for immunity or any type of prosecutorial leniency in exchange for handing over the emails, that she once joked she had ‘wiped’ clean and could no longer retrieve. Although it’s too early to tell what exactly is contained in the emails, many political experts believe they will reveal just how much Bill and Hillary actually can’t stand each other.
“When I’m trying to make a passive aggressive move against my wife, I’ll send her an email with critical, time-sensitive information that I know she won’t ever see, and then call her to ask her why she hasn’t checked her email,” said relationship expert Dr. Phil. “That’s probably what was going on here,” explained Dr. Phil.
Through her lawyer, Mrs. Clinton released the following statement. “Transparency in government is at an all time low, and I played a major part in getting us to where we are. In a sign of good faith, I’m turning over the 30,000 emails that I deemed to be personal, in an effort to rebuild the public’s faith in government and those of us who are privileged enough to serve at the highest offices in the greatest country in the world,” read the statement from Mrs. Clinton.
Many legal experts could not identity why Mrs. Clinton, after all this time, would hand over the missing emails without asking for immunity or some type of clemency. Some questioned her stated motivation and hypothesized that perhaps Russia finally found the emails and Mrs. Clinton was rushing to release them before the Russians.
“It’s an astounding turn of events and makes you question how the FBI wasn’t able to find these during their investigation. It raises all sorts of questions,” said Wikileaks founder Julian Assange.
Former Director of the FBI James Comey, the man responsible for investigating Mrs. Clinton’s use of email while Secretary of State, admitted to The Satirical Post when contacted by cell phone that his investigators had indeed found the emails, but he chose not to release them because he didn’t want to ruin Mrs. Clinton’s career, particularly because he felt she had the best smile of all potential presidential candidates.
“A politician is nothing without a great smile, and Hillary had the greatest smile of any politician in the history of politics. So you can understand how difficult it was for me to release such damaging emails,” confessed Mr. Comey. “I didn’t want to be the one responsible for taking that smile off the world’s stage,” added Mr. Comey.