Silicon Valley Admits Driverless Car is Most Elaborate Prank in Human History
For all those who thought the driverless car was the wave of the future, think again. Today several of the world's top technology CEOs issued a joint statement detailing their efforts to build driverless car technology was a hoax, and an expensive one at that.
The startling admission came from the CEOs of Apple, Intel, Google and Uber among others, and it laid out how such an idea began. "At the 2012 World Economic Forum in Davos, we were all enjoying each other's company when Mark Zuckerberg made a joke about a driverless car. The idea quickly became something more, a challenge to see if we could make the world believe a horrible idea was actually a great idea."
The statement went on to say, "Even we, the smartest people the world has ever known, could not have predicted that everyone would actually believe us. What started out as a harmless prank ended up costing us tens of billions of dollars and draining hundreds of hours from lawmakers trying to figure out the moral and legal ramifications of the inevitable loss of life that would come from driverless car collisions."
"At this point in time, we come to the world humbled by our gross disrespect for society and human beings at large. Many 'passengers' in our self-driving cars died in order for us to prove how smart we are. We ask everyone for forgiveness."
Car manufacturers like BMW, Ford and Tesla have yet to release their own statements reacting to the news. Anonymous sources from each car manufacture told The Satirical Post it will take months to calculate the damage to their companies. "We built the future of our companies around the idea there would be driverless cars, which turned out to be a joke. This is devastating," said a top BMW executive.
When asked if his company did any market research to test the theory that average Americans wanted to purchase driverless cars the BMW executive responded, "No. Of course not. The tech titans told us it was a good idea. Why would we question them? They know everything." The BMW executive admitted his company failed at one of its most basis functions, to market test new vehicles.
Stock prices for Apple, Intel, Google, and BlackBerry plummeted after the announcement, sending shockwaves through the entire tech industry. Facebook stock inched up 1% which caused some analysts to speculate that Mr. Zuckerberg's 'driverless car joke' was really a ploy to send his fiercest competitors on a wild goose chase in order to regain his footing as the leader of Silicon Valley.
"The idea these tech titans were playing us all for fools just further cements the anger and resentment most Americans currently have for Silicon Valley," said Yahoo Tech columnist David Pogue. Mr. Pogue added, "Zuckerberg looks more and more like a total genius."
Just minutes before this story was published, Apple CEO Tim Cook called The Satirical Post's Los Angeles bureau and said, "We tried to put a stop to this prank two years ago by having BlackBerry announce they were getting into driverless cars. We thought that would be a total give away that it was all a joke. Instead their stock price climbed 50%. It ended up making it more difficult to come clean."