Doug Jones Promises to Hire 'Un-Sexually Harassable' Staffers if He Wins Senate Seat

December 12, 2017

During a rally late last night, Doug Jones, the Democratic nominee for the tightly contested Alabama U.S. Senate race, made his boldest campaign promise yet, to only hire ‘un-sexually harassable’ staffers.

 

Although Mr. Jones didn’t mention his opponent by name, it was clear he was trying to draw a contrast between himself and the embattled Republican candidate Roy Moore. “When it seems like every powerful man is sexually harassing women, I want you to know you won’t have to worry about me sexually harassing anyone, because I’ll only hire 'un-sexually harassable' staffers,” Mr. Jones announced to wild applause.

 

Later in the evening, while Mr. Jones was working the rope-line after the rally, reporters asked him about his plan to hire only ‘un-sexually harassable’ staffers. “Unfortunately, we can’t control ourselves sometimes. We all have demons. So I’m promising to hire people that are impervious to sexual harassment,” explained Mr. Jones.

 

Silicon Valley immediately began developing algorithms designed to determine who was ‘un-sexually harassable’ based on their clicking and purchase history. So far they have yet to identify a single ‘un-sexually harassable’ individual.

 

Republicans attacked Mr. Jones’s promise, saying this was just another way Democrats want to use government to solve America’s problem. “You can’t hire your way out of sexual harassment,” said Newt Gingrich. “Even if you could, do you have any idea how much money it would cost to run a program that would find 'un-sexually harassable' people,” Mr. Gingrich added.

 

Sexual harassment experts worried that if we were to identity ‘un-sexually harassable’ individuals, it might make them targets for sexual harassers. “Technically if someone is 'un-sexually harassable', then could someone sexually harassment them with them not knowing it,” asked Philip Orozco, a leading sociologist at Duke University. “I don’t have an answer, but it that is the case, I feel sorry for those 'un-sexually harassable' people out there,” Mr. Orozco added.

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