Exclusive: Bono Announces U2's Retirement Tonight on Grammys, Surprising Millions of Fans who Thought U2 Retired a Decade Ago

January 29, 2018

 

For as long as there has been music, there has been U2. Well, not anymore. Bono, the perennial rock star who leads the Irish rock band U2 from behind see-through colored sunglasses, will announce his bands retirement tonight on the Grammys telecast. 

 

When reached by telephone, Bono told The Satirical Post that he had to write prepared remarks because he felt the experience would be too overwhelming.

 

“Retirement was the dragon in my dream I could never slay, you know what I mean,” explained Bono. After confirming that we did know what he meant, Bono went on to say how thankful he was to all the fans who supported his dream to write and play the music he loved. “God was good to us,” said Bono.

 

The announcement will certainly be a huge blow to the NFL, who is dependent upon docile rock bands to play its halftime show at the Super Bowl, and remind the world there are still some unifying talents out there.

 

“No I hadn’t heard that. Damn. We were going to ask them to play next year’s Super Bowl. I guess we’ll just ask Bruno Mars again,” replied Roger Goodell when given the news.

 

Although the announcement will be a monumental ordeal for the band, who will no longer be traveling the world, the announcement will not really affect the millions of fans who thought U2 retired a decade ago.

 

“They’re retiring from retirement? Does that mean they’re coming back,” asked Logan Jones when given the news that U2 was retiring.

 

After some explanation, Mr. Jones realized he was unaware U2 was still recording and playing new music, and that the retirement announcement meant what he believed to be reality was now in fact going to be reality.

 

“I don’t know if it exists, but if there’s a Grammy for most years spent at the top of the relevance charts, they should give it to Bono tonight,” said publisher of Rolling Stone magazine, Jann Wenner. “They don’t make them like Bono anymore,” Mr. Wenner added.

 

Read more from The Satirical Post by visiting the HOMEPAGE.

 

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