United Airlines Upgrades Toilet Paper in Economy Lavatories

January 8, 2018

 

Travelers used to higher fees, less frills, longer lines and full flights received great news this morning when United Airlines announced toilet paper in all economy lavatories is being upgraded from single to double ply. 

 

“We’ve taken away peanuts, free luggage and any sense that travelers are human beings with souls from our in-flight experience, so we felt the least we could do is give people an extra ply when they wipe,” said United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz.

 

Passengers were thrilled with the news and immediately started calling The Satirical Post’s LA bureau office to relay their thoughts.

 

“I never used the bathroom on the plane because I hate single ply. It’s like wiping with sandpaper,” said Marie Kehoe. “If I have to decide between United and American Airlines, I’m going with two-ply United,” Ms. Kehoe added.

 

United Airlines pilot, Hank Peterson, a former Navy pilot, said he’s never seen so many smiling faces as passengers left the plane at their final destination.

 

“Normally when I thank the passengers, I’ll see them grabbing their butts, wiggling, all sorts of uncomfortable faces while they try to rearrange their pants because of wiping with only one ply. But now...everyone was skipping off the plane. An extra ply really made a huge difference,” Mr. Peterson marveled.

 

Stockholders questioned their CEO’s decision, asking why the airline needed to spend an additional five million dollars a year to give economy passengers an extra ply.

 

Mr. Munoz defended himself on a conference call by saying, “We can add some dignity to our customers' experience by giving them an extra ply. Plus, I wipe at home with two ply. I want my passengers to be able to do the same.”

 

The new roll-out wasn’t without controversy. On a flight from Phoenix to Dallas an economy passenger clogged the toilet with the thicker, two ply paper and the plane had to make an emergency landing in El Paso. 

 

And on a flight from Newark to Los Angeles, a first-class passenger walked to the back of the plane to remove the two ply paper, explaining, “I pay 5 times the rate as these people. Why do they get  to wipe with two ply and I don’t?"

 

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