One last big news leak of 2017 has just come to light, President Trump's 2018 new year resolutions. Requesting anonymity based on the sensitivity of the subject, a member of Mar-a-Lago contacted the LA bureau office of The Satirical Post to share Mr. Trump's new year resolutions.
"Because his decisions effect every American, I felt it was prudent to share with the American people President Trump's 2018 ambitions and goals," said the anonymous source.
After much internal deliberation here at The Satirical Post, we felt we had the moral and patriotic duty to publish the President's resolutions, so here they are.
PRESDIENT TRUMP'S NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS
9. Cut tanning bed time in half. I hear it causes cancer.
8. Spend less time playing golf and lounging at my beautiful golf properties all around the world. They really are the best properties in the world.
7. Stop Tweeting in order to help Melania with her anti cyber-bullying program.
6. Have General Kelly look into getting my hair-style patented or trademarked.
5. Get NASA to look into building a Trump Tower on Mars.
4. Set up interviews for Ivanka’s kids at Department of Education. Jared feels they could be tremendous advisors to Betsy DeVos and have great ideas on how to make elementary schools great again.
3. Open a McDonalds franchise in West Wing.
2. Have Jared change his last name to Trump.
1. Amend US Constitution so Barron can take over when I step down instead of Pence.