WASHINGTON, D.C. - Friday morning, President Trump presented outgoing EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt with his personal mattress as a token of gratitude for the faithful service Mr. Pruitt has given his administration the past eighteen months.
“Scott's been dying for a Trump mattress since he moved to Washington and now he’s got the real deal. The only stipulation is he has to keep that Ritz Carlton moisturizer off the bed. Only Trump moisturizer,” announced President Trump.
Mr. Pruitt could barely contain his excitement as he eyed the president’s mattress leaning behind him, almost beckoning him to touch it.
“Every molecule in my body wants to take a nap here and now, without even the comfort of a sheet. Just lay my naked body right on that bare mattress and inhale the power of Trump,” admitted Mr. Pruitt.
As a solitary tear rolled down Mr. Pruitt’s cheek, he uttered, “All the fancy journals, pens, flights and security detail, it was all to fill the void of wanting Trump’s mattress. It’s all over. I’m totally content. Thank you, Mr. President.”
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