Trump Dispatches FEMA to Rescue Horses Threatened By Wildfires

December 9, 2017

 

Friday evening as wildfires continued to scorch southern California, President Trump tweeted that he had ordered FEMA to wrangle all horses within a ten mile radius of the fire zone and get them to a safe place. Mr. Trump’s announcement came as he watched footage of burning stables in the canyons of Ventura County while using the restroom just off the hallway next to the dining room in the White House.

 

“Sad. Very sad,” uttered President Trump as he wiped away a tear rolling down his cheek. “What beautiful animals. We have to save them, even if they live in a Blue State. I had a pony as a child,” added the President.

 

Chief of Staff John Kelly was close by the President’s side during the announcement and gave him a consoling hug, as he too was deeply effected by the horse crisis. “Majestic animals. I also had a pony as a child. This can’t continue,” said Mr. Kelly as he fought back his own tears.

 

FEMA director Brock Long quickly announced that his agency had already issued contracts to cowboys, ranch hands, and anyone comfortable dealing with horses as a way of streamlining the effort. “We can’t lose a hour. We have to move quickly,” said Mr. Long.

 

Residents of Ventura and Los Angeles county were already seeing the results of FEMA’s efforts by late Friday evening. “Cowboys were everywhere. I had one knocking on my door asking to use the john,” said William Tucker, a Bel Air resident.

 

“Not much for a cowboy to do these days. So when your Pres’dent calls askin’ for ya’ to saddle up, well you saddle up,” said Roy Hart, who rode Hillary, a middle aged horse who always tried bitting off more than she could chew, through the hillside of a Ventura County neighborhood.

 

Meanwhile, residents of Puerto Rico are considering setting horse stables on fire all across the island in order to finally get FEMA’s full attention.

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