Scott Pruitt Bans Rock-Skipping to Combat Rising Sea Levels

May 21, 2018

 

WASHINGTON D.C. - Scott Pruitt, administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency, announced sweeping measures to combat rising sea levels right at the source of the problem: people throwing and/or skipping stones into the ocean.

 

“Pollution takes many forms and for far too long the stone skippers of our nation have done real damage by dumping their stones into our oceans. Take your smooth flat stones to a fresh body of water,” said Pruitt during a lengthy press conference at the agency’s Federal Triangle headquarters.

 

Regulators said they are prepared to issue violations and fines to anyone, even unaccompanied minors, with a first fine offense costing up to $1,000.

 

"Hollywood is to blame for the crisis we find ourselves in. They've sold stone-skipping as a harmless pastime. Back in the 60s, Andy Griffith and Opie would skip-stones but never once warned of the devastating environmental consequences. Typical destructive Hollywood," said Pruitt.

 

To drive his point home, Mr. Pruitt conducted a 3-hour scientific experiment during the press conference in which he caused a glass of water to overflow by adding a handful of pebbles. It’s proof of what he calls, “the surest path to a Waterworld-like future”.

 

Early supporters of the ‘Don’t Be A Rocker’ regulations include full-time geology expert/part-time Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke, as well as President Trump.

 

“Sometimes rocks don’t ROCK. Way 2 GO Scotty P!!,” tweeted the President following Pruitt’s announcement.

 

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