Senator Schumer Gets Permission from Doctor to Travel with Emotional Support Anchor

January 30, 2018

 

The next time Senator Schumer of New York travels, he will do so with the soothing comfort of an emotional support anchor by his side. 

 

After what can only be described as a lengthy application process that culminated with a visit to his psychiatrist, Senator Schumer was diagnosed with Intense Affirmation Desire, or I.A.D. as it is more commonly known on Capital Hill, and is now allowed to contact a network of his choice and submit a request that a news or opinion show anchor accompany him when he travels in order to soothe his I.A.D.

 

“All I can say is thank God someone finally was able to diagnose this problem. I knew I needed someone to tell me how great I was, I just didn’t know it had to be a news or opinion show anchor. I’m never going to travel again without one,” said Senator Schumer.

 

Airlines currently have programs in place for emotional support animals, but an emotional support anchor is something they are just now learning about. “The emotional support anchor will have to go through security like everyone else, but just like a pet, they won’t be required to pay for their seat,” said American Airlines CEO Doug Parker. 

 

“He had so much anxiety, I kept thinking his body would explode and millions of those little wind-up, chattering teeth would come out of him,” said Senator Schumer senior staffer Chris Roe. “Now Anderson Cooper just sits next to him and tells him how much better he is than Trump, and all his anxiety melts away,” explained Mr. Roe.

 

When The Satirical Post asked Senator Schumer why he didn’t choose a female, emotional support anchor, such as Rachel Maddow or Andrea Mitchell, Senator Schumer responded, “Well, one of the side effects of Intense Affirmation Desire is that you harass women in order to feel better about yourself. So because of that I felt it would be better to have a male anchor."

 

“We see this condition on both sides of the aisle,” said leading psychiatrist Elizabeth Marion, who made the revolutionary diagnosis. “I wouldn’t be surprised if you start to see Mitch McConnell traveling with Bret Baier or President Trump with Sean Hannity. There’s so many benefits for politicians to travel with an emotional support anchor,” Mrs. Marion added.

 

Read more from The Satirical Post by visiting the HOMEPAGE.

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