Salutations Gregor: Health Advice with Gregor Wolfowitz

July 3, 2018

 

SALUTATIONS GREGOR: Health Advice with Gregor Wolfowitz

 

Say salutations to a stallion of practical knowledge…

 

Vanessa from Stone Creek, TX asks, “Salutations Gregor. When I was a kid, someone told me the average person swallows 8 spiders a year. Is that true?

 

Sleep easy, Vanessa. It’s unlikely a spider will ever end up in your mouth. Unfortunately the same cannot be said for your nose. In slumber, the average person will snort 18 spiders and 297 nano-spiders every year. That’s why I recommend sleeping with nose plugs. You’ll snore like a klaxon but you can’t be too careful around nano-spiders.

 

Craig from Higgs, PA asks, “Salutations Gregor. I’ve struggled with a fear of physical intimacy my entire life, but I’m also trapped in a medically sealed bubble. Will I ever get a chance to truly face my fear?”

 

Craig, the answer is no. My advice: choose another fear, something more realistic to your situation. Claustrophobia seems like the obvious choice.

 

Stacy from McLeay, MN asks, “Salutations Gregor. What’s the difference between sweet potatoes and yams?”

 

That’s a stupid question, Stacy. Root vegetables may be high in vitamin A and potassium but they are also a waste of my time. I’m sorry to make an example of you but 43 people have written me with this question and I’m sick of it. Stop asking me about potatoes.

 

Angela from Piedmont, FL asks “Salutations Gregor. If I know I’m not sick, is it okay to sneeze on other people?”

 

Now that is a tricky one, Angela. It’s always best to ask someone’s permission first. I usually say something like, “Pardon me, I’m about to sneeze. Do you want to get in on this?” If they say yes, we’re instant friends. If they say no, I probably won’t do it.

 

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Gregor is not a trained medical physician nor is he certified to give out advice on anything outside of bicycle repair, and in rare cases birdhouse assembly. While Gregor will respond to ‘Doctor Gregor’, ‘Love Doctor’, or simply ‘Doc’ that is in no way an attempt to present himself as a medical professional.

 

Submit your questions to: nathan@thesatiricalpost.com and he will politely forward them to Gregor.

 

To read more from The Satirical Post visit our HOMEPAGE.

 

 

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