Purdue Pharma Turns to Veterinarians with Hopes of Addicting Pets to Opioids

May 12, 2018

 

STAMFORD, CT - With public and congressional outrage stemming its flow of opioids into the homes of Americans, Purdue Pharma has turned its attention to veterinarians, with the hopes that addicting pets to the popular pain killers will maintain its own addiction to profits.

 

Purdue Pharma CEO, Mark Timney, announced this decision at a press conference on Friday.

 

“Purdue Pharma is addicted to profits and so just because Americans are ready to clean up opioids from their streets, homes and offices doesn’t mean we’re ready to stop selling them, which is why we’re exploring other revenue streams like pets,” said Mr. Timney.

 

Veterinarians from across the country have already received invitations for luxurious conferences where the drug maker will pitch its highly addictive product.

 

“There’s much less oversight when it comes to veterinarians. And many pets, especially dogs, have addictive personalities so we’re very excited about the prospects of starting a new epidemic of addiction, death and profits,” said Purdue Pharma PR Director, Lawrence Washington.

 

The Satirical Post reached out to Purdue Pharma to see if they had any concern targeting pets would create a public relations backlash.

 

"No, we're not concerned in the least. Humans are critical to society and after all the destruction we've wrought no one even knows the name of our company. So we have no fear that doing the same thing to animals will bring any more awareness to Purdue Pharma," said CEO Mr. Timney.

 

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