President Trump Pardons Jesus

June 1, 2018

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After a week filled with celebrity pardons, celebrity White House visits and feuds regarding celebrity job security, President Trump capped the week off by pardoning the biggest celebrity the world has every know, Jesus Christ.

 

“God raised Jesus from the dead, but his criminal record has stood for two thousand years. SAD! I hereby absolve Jesus from the totally unfair, fake crimes against him. You're welcome America,” tweeted President Trump early Friday morning.

 

Christians around the world weren’t sure how to take the pardon, being that Jesus was accused of sedition in the former Roman Empire two thousand years ago, long before the United States was a country.

 

“America is the greatest country that there ever was and ever will be, so it makes sense we'd be able to pardon anyone from any country and from any time period,” said a local patriotic man.

 

“But it’s also true that Jesus is the savior of the world, so I’m not sure why he would need a pardon,” added the local patriotic man.

 

When asked if he was a Christian the man responded, “No, but now that Jesus isn’t a criminal anymore, I’m going to give it a second look.”

 

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