Pope Francis Bribes FIFA, Gets Newly Formed 'Vatican United' Into World Cup

June 19, 2018

 

VATICAN CITY - Disappointed the Vatican soccer team was left out of the World Cup, Pope Francis did what the leader of any self-respecting football country would do, bribe FIFA officials. In his typical unabashed style, the Pope even confessed his transgression on Twitter.

 

“Must confess. I bribed FIFA officials with a small Michelangelo painting we found in the back of a closet. Vatican Knights are suited up and ready for World Cup. Go Knights!” tweeted the Pope.

 

Competing countries were shocked of the revelation and immediately assembled in Russia to discuss the controversy.

 

“I didn’t know the Vatican had a team. From what I hear it’s just a bunch of elderly monks in sandals,” said Swiss Football Federation President, Hans Hauser.

 

When asked if the assembled nations were upset with FIFA for taking a bribe and allowing the Vatican entry into the tournament after it had already begun, Mr. Hauser responded, “Official FIFA policy states member nations get a percentage of each bribe. So we’re thrilled about the Michelangelo. It should fetch a record price at auction."

 

Other countries weren’t so open to the idea of the Vatican competing.

 

“Football playing monks have advantage because they don’t have shame of going home to woman after losing. Russia will treat old Vatican monks like they are young, healthy men and make them regret marrying God,” said a spokesman for the Russian squad.

 

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