Park Rangers to Patrol Southern Border after Reports of Animals Pouring into Country

May 17, 2018

 

EL PASO, TX - The federal government mobilized an elite group of park rangers to the southern border after the president reported scores of animals pouring into the country, somehow making it past the Border Patrol and National Guard, who are already patrolling the border.

 

"These animals are scaring the Border Patrol and National Guard which is why the president has called on Park Rangers to solve this disturbing problem," said Sarah Huckabee Sanders at the daily press briefing.

 

With specialties in trapping and feces identification, elite park rangers will be expected to hold their ground and not run in fear of the unidentified animals.

 

“Could be bobcats, grizzly bears, lions or mutant great white sharks with legs. We have to be prepared for anything that could be referred to as an animal,” responded Susan Anderson, who has spent the last thirty years working as a park ranger in Yellowstone National Park.

 

“The end goal here is to either return the animals to their natural habitat, or donate them to a zoo, in the case we find a great white shark that can walk on land,” added Mrs. Anderson.

 

When asked if there was any way these 'animals' could be a human being, Mrs. Anderson responded, "Sure. My sister's husband belongs in a zoo."

 

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