PGA Institutes Singing of National Anthem in Push to Reveal Treasonous Golfers

April 25, 2018

 

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL – Late Tuesday night, PGA Tour Commissioner Jay Monahan announced his organization would now require the singing of the U.S. national anthem before all tournaments. In a short press conference, Mr. Monahan was not shy about the greater purpose of the move.

 

“In the NFL you know who the traitors are, they’re the ones down on a knee. Here at the PGA, we’re tired of the ambiguity. We want to know which players are patriotic, and more importantly, which are turncoats,” said the Commissioner.

 

So who’s the Tour’s Colin Kaepernick? When reached by telephone, golfer Phil Mickelson responded, “I'm not going to name names because the knees don’t lie. You’ll see a grass stain on that pinko’s patterned pants, a scarlet letter of sorts.”

 

As of yet, the new politically charged PGA has yielded little to no outrage from any of the Tour’s international golfers. In fact, few golf analysts anticipate an internal league controversy.

 

“If you think golf has ever been about inclusion, you’re drunker than my caddy,” said golf analyst Hollis Westmoreland.

 

Praise for the change has already come from The White House. Tweeting Wednesday morning, President Trump wrote, “Should sing the anthem at every hole but this is OK TOO. CONGRATS PGA! Golf is FUN”.

 

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