Motion Picture Academy Cancels 2018 Oscar Telecast, Until Hollywood Cleans Up Its Act

December 7, 2017

 

Amid the seemingly endless allegations against Hollywood, media and political power players, the Motion Picture Academy of Arts and Sciences has announced it is canceling its annual Oscars awards show, which honors and enshrines the biggest players in film, until the industry puts in place effective controls and reforms aimed at rooting out the harassment that has plagued its members.

 

An anonymous person who was aware of the internal deliberations within the Academy said, “It was a tough decision. So many of the abusers in our industry really love using us as a platform to speak out against abuses. But they’ll still have a chance to do that at the Golden Globes and the People’s Choice Awards. And the Screen Actors Guild, Director’s Guild, Writers Guild and Producer’s Guild Awards. Plus they have the Grammy’s and the Emmys. And they still have the MTV Movie awards too.”

 

When asked about the Academy’s decision to scrap the awards show, A-list actor George Clooney said, “What can I say? They took away the Oscars. We’re basically being grounded. It’s sad. But it sends a clear message. Hollywood is finally practicing what it preaches. The safety of the men and women working in this industry takes precedent over any one person’s professional achievement.” He added, “Honestly, I’m just glad I didn’t have an Oscar worthy movie coming out this fall. Would have been a total waste.”

 

Many power players in the industry are nervous about all the talk of changing work-place etiquette and culture. Several top-level agents are already considering jumping to other industries. “What’s the world coming to when you can’t stare at a hot actress. Or grab her boobs,” said a major motion picture talent agent. “It’s the only reason I put up with working in the industry.” When asked to clarify what he meant the agent said, “I put up with the Hollywood egos because yeah, it’s nice to be able to grab an ass or a boob occasionally. It’s a major stress release.”

 

The president of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, John Bailey, looked bewildered at his press conference this morning, struggling to come to grips with the behavior of the people his organization celebrates. “How could an industry built on sending hundreds of thousand of beautiful, vulnerable young women to the doorsteps of powerful men who survived the cutthroat, dog-eat-world of Hollywood be susceptible to sexual harassment? No one could have seen this coming,” said Mr. Bailey.

 

A male reporter covering the press conference reminded the Academy president of a comment Marilyn Monroe made over fifty years ago. “Hollywood is a place where they’ll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul.” After carefully considering the statement, Mr. Bailey responded, “What did she know? She was a notorious whore.”

 

Legendary Hollywood actors Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, former creative collaborators of the embattled Harvey Weinstein, pondered the potential fixes in store for an industry that relies so heavily on power imbalances. “If I have to be honest? Prostitutes in every office,” said Damon. “Not my office,” replied Affleck. “Of course not. Not mine either. I’m talking about the guys who harass. They’ll need something to manipulate and dominate,” responded Damon. “True. That’s not a bad idea. As long as the prostitutes are willing,” said Affleck. “I think we might have solved the problem,” replied Damon. “You’re welcome, Hollywood,” added Affleck.

 

*In keeping with Hollywood industry standards, several women were contacted to provide opinions for this story; however because they’re seen as only props and sexual objects, their opinions didn’t make the final cut.

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