With just one day to go until the opening torch is lit and the Olympic games officially begin, the Olympic Committee has just issued new sanctions against Russia for its decade-long, systematic doping program.
The new sanction stipulates that all Russian athletes must lose to an American. The Committee is basing this sanction on the fact that Russians take incredible pride in Olympic competition and bringing gold metals home for Putin. By forcing every Russian athlete to lose to an American, the Committee is hoping it will deliver a blow of humiliation so fierce, the Russian government will forever abandon its doping program.
The Satirical Post reached out the rules official at the Olympic Committee for a full explanation of how the new rules will work.
“We will have our typical awards ceremony for gold, silver and bronze. And if a Russian places for any of those metals, they will be removed at which point we will conduct a secondary awards ceremony where we will honor an American while forcing the Russian to watch in humiliation,” said rules official Albert Meier.
When asked if he thought the Russians would accept the terms of this new sanction, Mr. Dombek replied, “If they don’t like it, they can stay home and not compete.”
Vladimir Putin, the eternal leader of Russia, was reached by telephone by The Satirical Post and asked about the new sanction. “I don’t think its fair. All our athletes did was cheat for the past three to five olympic competitions. And it wasn’t even their fault. It was our government’s fault. We forced them to dope in order to win and honor Russia. If anything, I should be sanctioned, not the athletes,” said President Putin.
“I just hope the Olympic voting machines are protected against hacking. It would be a shame if they were hacked and disinformation was pumped into the Olympic news and voting systems,” added President Putin.
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