After nearly a year of denying payment for a border wall that has been estimated at over 20 billion dollars, Mexico has agreed to finance the controversial project and give President Trump his biggest win of 2017. The announcement came directly from Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto in a televised news conference this morning.
"The United States is our neighbor whether we like it or not. We must get along with them and build a constructive relationship that improves both our countries. The Mexican people are willing to take the first step by offering to pay for the border wall that President Trump wants to build," said President Nieto at the start of his speech.
Mexico's Secretary of Foreign Affairs, Mr. Luis Videgaray Cast, called The Satirical Post's Los Angeles bureau office wanting to relay his own message to the American people. "At first it was offensive to Mexicans that we pay for a wall to keep ourselves out of America, but after seeing what's going on with your opioid criss, we decided maybe the wall isn't such a bad idea. Especially if it keeps all your opioids out of our country."
White House officials, including President Trump, were crowded around the television in the executive dining room, watching CNN, the most trusted name in Fake News, when they learned of Mexico's decision. Some officials were initially skeptical of the report due to the Fake News nature of CNN's reporting, so President Trump changed the channel to Fox News where Steve Doocy of Fox & Friends confirmed that the Mexican government will foot the 20 billion dollar bill for 'The Wall' as it has come to be known.
Democrats on Capital Hill were relatively quiet about Mexico's decision to wall off their country, as 'the wall' had become a rallying cry against the hard line some Republicans had taken on immigration. "If that's what Mexico wants to do, then Mexico can do that," opined Senator Schumer as he was caught by reporters on the way to his office.
Steve Bannon, President Trumps former Senior White House Advisor, praised the President's negotiation skills and saw Mexico's concession as a sign of what’s to come from other countries around the world. "This is just the beginning. Tomorrow China will concede on trade, the next day you'll see Assad in Syria step aside, and the day after that you'll see every country in the EU vote to leave the bloc."
Jason Kessler and Richard Spencer, two leaders in the White Nationalist movement that helped organize the Charlottesville protest over the removal of a Robert E. Lee statue, praised President Nieto and the Mexican people. "I thought people of color were worthless garbage, but then something like this happens and causes you to question everything you believe," said Mr. Kessler.
Reach by telephone, Mr. Spencer had this to say about Mexico paying for half of the border wall, "This morning I woke up thinking Mexicans were lazy, corrupt, drug addicted people without souls, and now I love them all. The Mexicans really surprised me. I guess the whiteness of America seeped into their country like chewing tobacco seeps into your gums. That's the only reason I can imagine why they would do something like this. But it's good enough for me."
There's still no timeline for when the wall will be completed or how the US Government will seize the land from homeowners living along the border in Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and California. However every American can now breathe a sigh of relief that they don't have to pay for the wall, which equals nearly half the annual budget of Homeland Security Agency.