A groundbreaking study released by psychologists at Duke University found that when women were presented with various details of a prospective male partner and had to identify one detail to be the most important, each women independently placed ‘Uses Carmex Lip Balm’ above all others, even ‘Owns a Ferrari’ or “Will one day become President of the United States”.
Nerds, geeks, losers, and jocks who will never become wealthy were excited about the news. “Totally psyched because I know I’ll never amount to anything. But as long as I keep my lips moisturized it won’t matter.” said Todd Luna, local 34 year old man in St. Louis, Missouri as he played video games at 2:00am.
“Completely shocked. We thought the women would choose power in a future president or wealth in the Ferrari owner. What we found is that Carmex Lip Balm evokes stability, which was most important to women,” said lead researcher Isaac Mann.
“I had no idea Carmex Lip Balm evoked a sense of stability, someone who isn’t afraid to choose the best option even if it isn’t the most popular,” Mr. Mann added. “Just remarkable. Carmex Lip Balm. I immediately went out and bought three tubes,” Mr. Mann confessed.
Penelope Jones, a waitress at Steve's Dinner in Austin, Texas, who participated in the study, called The Satirical Post’s LA bureau office to explain why she choose Carmex Lip Balm over Ferrari owner.
“A man who uses Carmex is solid. He’s not self conscience. He’s secure. He probably has a big nuclear button but doesn’t have to brag about it…you know…because he uses Carmex,” said Ms. Jones.
“But don’t get me wrong. A Ferrari is nice. But what is the Ferrari guy trying to compensate for? A small nuclear button? Probably. Same thing with Porsche. I’ve met enough Porsche owners to know,” explained Ms. Jones.
Brand manager Vivian Brown said she was also surprised by the results of the study. “I’d always associated Carmex Lip Balm with Dr. Scholl’s and 100 Grand candy bars. Brands you’re surprised to learn are still in business. I guess now stability is in,” pondered Mrs. Brown.