Run-of-the-mill mass shootings that have plagued the country for years are suddenly jealous of the attention and coverage school shootings are receiving, fearful they will be left out of any solution that might secure schools.
“Of course it’s horrible what’s going on in schools across the country, but don’t forget about us. Office spaces, concert venues, churches, movie theaters. All of us need help too. Just make sure if you come up with a solution for schools it works for us,” pleaded Mass Shooting Tragedies.
The Satirical Post reached out to speak to School Shooting Tragedies, and they said their hearts go out to Mass Shooting Tragedies. “Our hearts break for our brother and sister tragedies. Our goal is to find a solution that solves all shooting tragedies, not just ones affecting schools,” said School Shooting Tragedies.
With no solution in sight, Senator Ted Cruz released a statement saying we owe it to our children to try something. Anything. And so he announced he will be working with Steven Spielberg in order to get any information on the policing techniques used in the movie Minority Report.
“Somehow in that movie they were able to determine who was going to commit a crime and stop them before they did it. That’s the only way we can solve these tragedies. So I have asked Tom Cruise and Steven Spielberg to assist us with implementing their Minority Report, movie technology into American society,” announced Senator Cruz.
People who believe there is a solution to the current crisis applauded Senator Cruz even though they didn’t think his idea would work. “At least someone suggested an idea. I don’t think it has a chance of working because Minority Report is a movie and not real life. But at least it’s an idea,” said a local resident who wished to remain anonymous due to fear he would be ostracized from his family and friends for suggesting there was a way to stop shooting tragedies.
A large portion of the American population said we should just learn to live with the carnage. “As Americans we’ve always lived with horrible things going on. For centuries we lived with slavery. These shootings aren’t even half as bad as slavery,” responded a local resident who asked to remain anonymous due to fear she would be ostracized from her family and friends for suggesting there was no way to stop shooting tragedies.
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