Billionaire Koch Brothers Legally Adopt Two Million Dreamers, Promising Them All Internships

February 28, 2018

 

After decades of indecision and failure to solve the nations immigration woes, the billionaire Koch brothers have taken matters into their own hands, legally adopting two million so called ‘dreamers’, children that were brought to the country illegally by their parents.

 

The adoption proceedings have been going on behind the scenes for months, with the Koch brothers spending hundreds of hours answering lawyer's questions about how they could possibly provide housing, education and clothing for two million children.

 

“Yes, it will be expensive to cover the costs of raising two million kids, but some of them, even the little ones who are barely six years old, have already been working for years in lawn care, housekeeping, and so on,” said Charles Koch.

 

David Koch, Charles’s brother, chimed in to clarify their master plan. “That’s right. So my brother and I figured we could put them to work in our business now that they’re part of our family. We want to show them they can provide for themselves. What better way to welcome them into the Koch family than to put them to work in our refineries, processing plants, and shipping facilities,” said David Koch.

 

Many of the parents who gave their children up for adoption were facing deportation and felt having the Koch brothers raise their kids was the best option they had.

 

The Satirical Post reached out to Armondo Gutierrez, who just days before being deported signed over his five kids, ranging from ages 3 to 13, to the Koch brothers. 

 

“I love Coke. I drink it with every meal. So when I heard the Coke brothers wanted to raise my kids, I said sure. Now my kids will get to drink Coke with every meal for the rest of their lives,” said Mr. Gutierrez.

 

When told the brothers he signed his kids over to were not part of the Coca-Cola company that produces soft drinks, but rather part of a massive conglomerate that is in the oil and gas industry Mr. Gutierrez immediately regretted his decision.

 

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