Kim Kardashian Opens Internet Addiction Treatment Center

November 22, 2017

Starting Monday, a new, first-of-its-kind treatment center in Santa Barbara, California will open its doors to patients suffering from debilitating internet addiction, or D.I.A. as it is commonly known. The Dash Your Addiction Center was the brainchild of reality TV star and social media magnate Kim Kardashian West, who funded the construction of the beach side center and helped promote it on her various media platforms.

 

 

"I want people to be able to live free of me, or whatever else they are constantly looking at online...if that's what they want," said Ms. Kardashian West from her office at the new treatment center. "What do you think of the name? Dash Your Addiction. We tried to get Kardashian in it somehow, but all we could fit was Dash. But I think it's enough for people to know I'm involved with it. Right," asked Ms. Kardashian West.

 

The waiting list for a bed in Ms. Kardashian West's new center currently stands at 6 months, even through most insurance companies aren't covering the treatment offered, claiming that debilitating internet addiction is a contrived disease conjured by Ms. Kardashian West in order to produce yet another revenue stream for her family.

 

Ms. Kardashian West denies the claim that helping people shake their addiction of her, or anything else, is motivated by money. "I would have made the treatment free of cost, but part of my name is on the building and I have to be fairly compensated when my name is used. Even if it's only part of my name," said Ms. Kardashian West.

 

A recent study by Cornell psychologist Mary Starr, PhD, published in the New England Journal of Medicine found a majority of people from ages 12 to 70 were addicted to some form of online content, whether it be social media, pornography, weather forecasts, or animals playing together that typically don't play together. 

 

"We discovered one of the principal drivers forming online addiction in the social media realm was actually Ms. Kardashian West," said Ms. Starr, PhD. She went on to say, "Ms. Kardashian West designed her media presence in a way where it's almost impossible to not see her. Between her app, television show, social media platforms, nude photo-shoots, guest appearances on talk shows, etc., it's as if she's cornered internet users and forcing them to submit to her image."

 

When asked if it was the equivalent of a 'social media rape' Ms. Starr, PhD responded, "I think social media rape is too strong a term, but social media assault would be appropriate."

 

Late Night talk shows had a field day with the news of Ms. Kardashian's new treatment center. "It's like if Bill Clinton opened a sex addiction treatment center and ran the circle talks," said Late Show host Stephen Colbert. 

 

"Did you hear? President Trump is opening Trump Treatment Centers all across the country for people who have been bullied. Yes. It's true. Now we know why he wanted to be President. Half the world is going to need to visit his treatment centers once he's out of office," quipped Jimmy Kimmel of Jimmy Kimmel Live!. 

 

Kayne West, Ms. Kardashian West's husband, could not be reached for comment. However, his reps said he would be available for an interview after he undergoes treatment at Dash Your Addiction Center. They would not say what addiction he has sought treatment to fight.

 

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