Justices Haze Newest Pledge Brett Kavanaugh with Cryotherapy to Remove All Facial Expressions

July 11, 2018

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Immediately following his speech in the East Room of the White House, newly nominated Supreme Court Justice was summoned to a secret location where the nine sitting, Supreme Court justices subjected him to 12 straight hours of cryotherapy.


“Watching Brett struggle in the cryotherapy chamber brought back fond memories of when I was hazed,” said Chief Justice John Roberts. “Although cryotherapy wasn’t invented yet, so Justice Rehnquist had to inject two pints of botox into my face.”


"As horrible as this seems, expressing any emotion as a judge is worse," explained Justice Roberts. "The constitution expressly states we all appear to be catatonic. It's the main draw-back to being an originalist."


The Satirical Post reached out to local D.C. cryotherapy expert Jeremy Laughlin to find out what type of effects 12 hours in a cryotherapy chamber would have on Mr. Kavanaugh’s body.


“Major nerve damage. Muscle loss, and for some reason all foods taste like chicken enchiladas. We’re not sure why. But basically it will turn his 53 year old body into that of a 95 year old. Next time the public sees him they won’t recognize him,” answered Mr. Laughlin.


When asked if that’s why Justice Ginsberg looks the way she does, Mr. Laughlin responded, “Absolutely. Her biological age is 61 but she looks like a 130 year old due to cryotherapy."


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