Jeff Sessions Takes Back BFF Charm From Trump

June 22, 2018

 WASHINGTON, D.C. -  Bare-wristed and visibly upset over the recent executive order, Attorney General Jeff Sessions appeared before cameras Friday to announce he had officially taken back the 'BFF' charm he had gifted to President Trump.

 

“When I gave the president his half of the BFF charm, I thought we would go to our graves wearing them. There’s nothing worse in life than losing a BFF. The president and I work closely together, but we’re so far apart,” said Mr. Sessions.

 

When Sessions purchased a pair of matching charm bracelets in early 2017, his wife assumed the second one was for her. Sessions had someone else in mind: his BFF, Donald J. Trump. Now, in the wake of Trump’s immigration reversal, the BFF’s appear to be no longer.

 

“Those bracelets meant something, and he went and threw it all away for some kids,” said Sessions.

 

In their past two years together, Sessions and Trump are seldom seen without their bracelets. Those in attendance at their meetings speak of an incessant jingle-jangling, as both men frequently speak with their hands. Moving forward, those meetings will surely be quieter, albeit, chillier.

 

Though his remarks were meant to be kept brief, Sessions continued on for a full 25-minutes, detailing the depth of his disappointment with his now former bestie. By the end of the press conference, emotion had overwhelmed the Attorney General and he left the podium after struggling to deliver his final thoughts.

 

“We always said it would be forever [inaudible] meant something [inaudible] never get to give you the Schnauzer charm.”

 

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