5 Reasons Why Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom is the Best Movie Ever

June 23, 2018

 

FYI: Because our film critic only watches movies available on Red Box, his reviews of theatrically released films are based solely on hackneyed troupes made popular by Hollywood filmmakers, and thus any plot spoilers are mere coincidence (there are no spoilers).

 

1. Pratt-Falls

Chris Pratt is the most gifted physical comedian/leading man Hollywood has ever seen. Charlie Chaplin wishes he had the kind of bis, tris, lats, delts, and abs that Pratt does. If he did, "The Gold Rush" would've been 10 times funnier and much, much sexier. In JWFK (Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom) Pratt pulls no punches: he demonstrates his superior slapstick abilities and he also punches stuff 

 

2. God

Speaking to an audience of pre-teens at the MTV Movie Awards, Chris Pratt did the most dangerous thing someone could do in Hollywood: talk about his Christian faith. In doing so, Pratt signified to the entire movie going public how confident he was in JWFK. This movie is so damn good he was willing to risk his career by coming out of the closet as a JC fan. 

 

3. It Tells Science to Kick Rocks

Scientists always try to take the fun of everything. Since the original film's release, scientists have been constantly nagging us with “science” saying that dinosaurs didn't actually look like that. These no-fun-having nerds want us to think that T-Rex's were actually giant chickens. Well, this movie tells them where to get off. Dinosaurs don’t have feathers, they’re cool.

 

4. There's Going to be Another One

If a movie is good, it gets a sequel. If it's great, it becomes a trilogy. If it's the greatest thing ever, we get 6 of them. Before JWFK has even come out, Universal already has plans to make a 6th film to be released in 2021. I’m assuming that after the success of this one, Universal will up that number to at least a baker’s dozen, and (god willing (who are we kidding, of course God’s in)) Chris Pratt will be dueling dinos for the next 20 years.

 

5. There's an Exclusive Sneak Peak for Mission Impossible 6: Fallout Before it

While Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom is currently the best movie ever, it gets extra points for having a sneak preview of what is sure to usurp it as the best movie ever: Mission Impossible 6: Fallout. Getting to see a couple minutes of Ethan Hunt, Tom Cruise's indomitable secret agent, save the world again makes Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom an instant classic. 

 

Negative Points (-.01): Why is there a Jeff Goldblum cameo and not a Newman cameo? Audiences everywhere want to see what happened to the beloved character from the first film played by famous actor Newman. Was there a cool fight scene that got cut from the first film where he beat up that dinosaur in the rain? Did he end up escaping from the island with that shaving cream can filled with proprietary secrets? Does he still live in the same apartment as Jerry Seinfeld?

 

Guess we’ll have to wait for the next one to find out.

 

Overall Score: 4.99/5 -- BEST MOVIE EVER

 

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