Pharmaceutical Company Releases Drug Eliminating Hate

January 2, 2018

 

In a breakthrough the likes science has never seen, nor predicted, Merck, a major pharmaceutical company based in Germany announced it has created a drug that reduces the amount of hate a person feels by over 90%. The new drug, HateX, has already been approved by the FDA and will be available in pharmacies across the world within the next three months.

 

“The implications of their drug are almost incomprehensible,” said leading bioethicist Peter Morris. “Theoretically, this drug could bring an end to war, racism, bigotry and bad Thanksgiving dinners,” Mr. Morris went on to say. The biggest ethical question he posed is whether or not a family or government can force someone to take HateX if they exhibit signs of hate.

 

The Department of Defense has already begun the process of trying to weaponize HateX. “Yes, I can confirm we’re working on this. Equipping bombers, snipers, all our current capabilities across all branches are being evaluated to see if they can deliver HateX,” said Secretary of Defense James Mattis.

 

Lockheed Martin and Northrup Grumman, two leading defense contractors, were skeptical of the idea that a pill could eliminate hate. “So we’re just going to have ISIS take a pill and everything’s going to be okay? Sure,” quipped a leading executive from Northrup. “We’ll believe it when we see it,” he added.

 

Like all drugs, HateX has side effects. Early trials of the drug showed the most common side effects are weight gain, acne, hair loss, genital shrinking, and bad breath. “Most of the side effects alter someone’s physical appearance. We hope the public is willing to sacrifice any sense of vanity in order to eliminate hate from our world,” said Merck spokeswoman Lisa Metcalfe.

 

“Oh, really? No. Doesn’t sound worth it,” replied Loretta Phillips, a resident of Ft. Worth, Texas, when she heard about the potential side effects of HateX.

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