WASHINGTON, D.C. - The FBI confirmed to The Satirical Post early Friday morning the bureau is investigating Trey Gowdy’s hair for crimes of treason, espionage and abusive use of pomade.
“Trey reported his hair to the FBI after suspecting it had betrayed him for years, calling it ‘un-American’ and greasy. He attributed his hair’s constantly evolving style as a way to evade detection from authorities,” said FBI Director Christopher Wray.
The matter of Trey Gowdy’s treasonous hair has Congress extremely concerned, as it would have had access to years of private conversations with members of both parties.
“I just hope the Russians and Wikileaks haven’t gotten to his hair,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan. “There’s a good chance Trey’s going to wake up in the middle of the night with a set of buzzing clippers running across his head.”
The FBI has given Trey a protective helmet to wear in order to prevent the exact attack Speaker Ryan described, as they would like the opportunity to question the hair.
When asked how they plan to gain the trust of Mr. Gowdy’s hair, Director Wray responded, "Currently we’re exploring all options, including having President Trump’s hair make an overture to Mr. Gowdy’s. They seem to share many of the same vices.”
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