Actress Nancy Pelosi (left): Photo credit Gage Skidmore, Actor Marco Rubio (right): Photo credit Jamelle Bouie
After an exhaustive 12 month investigation by our pulitzer-prize winning reporters who blanketed the country, we have concluded, without a sliver of a doubt, that 95% of all Federally elected officials are actors hired by lobbyists with only one job to do, tell Americans to shut up.
This groundbreaking investigation consisted of over 10,000 interviews, video and audio surveillance (some legal), and the review of tax returns and financial records. All in all our reporters devoted over 1,000,000 hours to this investigation in order to bring the truth to the American people.
The biggest surprise? Donald Trump is indeed an actor, but he was not hired by the Russians as everyone thought. Costa Rica has funded Mr. Trump’s presidential run with the hopes he would bring the world to its knees, giving Central America, who is already on its knees, the opportunity to finally lead the world.
Out of the 535 people serving in congress, 435 in the house and 100 in the senate, 508.25 are actors. Senator Marco Rubio? Actor. The Florida scam artist lobby hired Marco to protect its interest in ripping off the elderly and financially incompetent.
Nancy Pelosi? Actor. Nancy was trained in the drama department at Juilliard and has been fooling people with her acting chops since she was twenty five. The California wine lobby recognized her skills when they saw her portray Blanche from A Streetcar Named Desire.
Nancy has done everything in her power to disrupt the international wine market, giving California cabs and merlots a shot at international vino greatness.
So who isn’t an actor paid by lobbyists? Ted Cruz. After all our investigative reporting we couldn’t find a single shred of evidence he has ever trained as an actor, auditioned for a commercial, television, film or web series role, or taken head shots. The American people should know that Ted Cruz says what he wants because he thinks its the best thing to say.
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