On Eve of Tax Bill Passage, China Agrees Never to Make a Bid to Own America

December 20, 2017

 

In the early hours of Wednesday morning, just before Congress is expected to pass a decades in the making tax reform bill, President Donald Trump phoned Chinese President Xi Jinping with one very important question, would he promise to not buy America in the next fifty years, even if the United States owed China an insurmountable amount of debt.

 

After putting President Trump on hold for nearly twenty minutes while he consulted his cabinet minsters, President Xi delivered the answer all American’s wanted to hear, “Yes. China will not try to buy your country…at least for the next fifty years.”

 

As soon as news of Mr. Xi’s promise hit Capital Hill, Republican lawmakers deepened cuts to corporate rates and eliminated the estate tax altogether. “Our Chinese friends always keep their word, and I’m thrilled to hear they promised never to buy our country, even if we owed them 100 trillion dollars,” announced House Speaker Paul Ryan, just before the official bill signing ceremony with President Trump.

 

Senate and House Democrats were crushed by the news of Mr. Xi’s promise. “If we had known China wouldn’t make a bid to buy our country, we would have doubled spending and fixed every problem our country has,” said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. “It would have been like living in the movie WALL-E, where everyone has their own hovercraft and giant soda. What a missed opportunity,” Ms. Pelosi added.

 

The only Washington official to question the reliability of China’s answer was First Daughter and Advisor to the President, Ivanka Trump. “I’ve been doing business with China for years and they never seem to live up to their side of the deal. I don’t think we can take them at their word when they say they’ll never buy our country,” replied Ivanka.

 

China one day owning America could become a moot question altogether if the United States begins to experience double-digit economic growth.

 

"With 10% GDP growth a year for the next twenty years, maybe we could buy China one day,” fiscal hawk Senator Bob Corker replied when contacted by The Satirical Post’s LA bureau office. “You never know. Stranger things have happened. Two of our last six presidents have been entertainers."

 

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