For all those picky eaters out there who revel in the fact no restaurant can satisfy their dietary restrictions, well this time you’ve met your match.
Everyone’s favorite neighborhood eatery just added an additional eight thousand items to their menu and can now claim to satisfy any and every dietary restriction known to man.
“Let’s say someone comes in and they only eat Australian shell fish coated in a rosemary, gluten free breading, pan seared with a honey, dairy-free sauce. We can do that,” explained head Cheesecake factory chief Dominik Hubert.
“We designed our new menu with mathematicians from MIT, and after an arduous eighteen month period, we hit the point where they told us we can mathematically satisfy every dietary issue currently known to man,” added Mr. Hubert.
Cheesecake Factory CEO, David Overton, explained his company’s new strategy. “The American population’s tastes are always changing, which is why we want to to serve everything and anything, that way can satisfy everyone and anyone. It’s not our goal to be anyone’s favorite restaurant, but it is our goal to be everyone’s tenth favorite restaurant. We want to be the ultimate compromise who can make everyone happy,” gloated Mr. Overton.
Local Flagstaff resident Patricia Salazar said when her thirty, extended family members get together, the only place they can all be happy is Cheesecake Factory. “They serve American food, Native American, Thai, Italian, Mexican, French, Pacific Islander, Hawaiian, which is actually different than Pacific Islander, Moroccan, Persian, Mediterranean, Chinese, Tibetan, Indian, New Zealand, Botswanan, and on and on,” explained Ms. Salazar.
When asked where he sees the American food industry going in the next twenty years, Cheesecake Factory CEO David Overton responded, “Hopefully more and more people get these lame allergies, because we’ll be the only ones positioned to satisfy them."
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