Teaming up with Square, the Catholic Church now Accepts Credit Cards Donations During Mass

February 20, 2018

 

For centuries, the Catholic Church has been accused of being stuck in the past. Well those centuries are over now that the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops has announced a partnership with one of Silicon Valley’s hottest companies, Square.

 

Beginning this weekend, Catholic churches around the country will be accepting credit card donations via Square’s mobile reader, revolutionizing tithing and thus the excuses church-goers make for not tithing.

 

“We always hear people say how much they would love to donate if only they had cash. Well now all those people who would love to donate are finally able to so now that we accept credit cards,” said Archbishop Gomez of Los Angeles. 

 

“Also, we’ve been looking for a way to smoke the ‘cash-only’ people out of the den for a long time. With Square we’ve finally figured out a way,” added Bishop Gomez.

 

Parishioners have already expressed numerous concerns with the new program, chiefly that having hundreds of people process credit card payments during mass would add roughly an hour to each service.

 

“What are we going to do? Sit around singing or praying while we wait for every person to swipe a credit card,” questioned local parishioner Blake Oreskes. “I get they’re trying to crawl out of the dark ages, but taking away my excuse for not donating money isn’t the way to do that,” explained Mr. Oreskes.

 

The Satirical Post was able to reach Pope Francis by telephone and asked him about his favorite element of the new, Square partnership. "Silicon Valley has brought so much anxiety and loneliness to the world. Now maybe they can help bring some good."

 

We reached out to Mark Zuckerberg, the CEO of Facebook, to get his reaction to the Pope's comments, and he had this to say.

 

"Maybe if the Pope had an Instagram account and shared what he's eating for lunch every day he wouldn't feel so lonely. I'm sure there are billions of people around the world who want to know what he's eating for lunch. Having people know what you eat for lunch will satisfy anyone's soul. Even the Pope's," said Mr. Zuckerberg.

 

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