A new study by the USC Annenberg School of Journalism found that of the 905,000 cable news anchors interviewed, ESPN SportsCenter anchors included, all 905,000 care more about the words they say than how incredibly fantastic their hair looks while on camera.
“The results were shocking. I, along with my colleagues, always thought cable news anchors cared more about how incredibly fantastic their hair looked while on camera, but we were wrong. They actually care about what they say and the effects their words have on society,” said lead researcher Carisa Chalmers, a sociologist at USC.
The study consisted of several interviews with each cable news anchor over a period of months, each receiving the same series of questions ranging from hypothetical on-set situations to more theoretical questions regarding journalism and ethics.
“'What do you do when a strand of hair is out of place during an interview with a natural disaster survivor? Do you go to commercial break early in order to fix your hair, or do you fight through the emotional pain of not looking incredibly fantastic and finish the interview?' My team posed that dilemma to every cable news anchor and they all responded, 'Fight through the pain and finish the interview’,” explained Ms. Chalmers.
When asked if there were any exceptions to her findings, or if one cable news anchor stood out among the pack, Ms. Chalmers responded, “No, not really. We found cable news anchors are like squirrels. They really all behave and look the same.”
The Satirical Post was invited to watch several prominent cable news anchors, including Sean Hannity and Rachel Maddow, prepare for their nightly shows. We were amazed they only spent roughly 45 seconds having their hair styled.
“Yeah, my hair pretty much looks this great all the time. It’s partly the reason why I know I was born to be a cable news anchor. When God blesses someone with hair this great, it’s like he’s telling them to be a cable news anchor. Just imagine if I had horrible hair. I’d have to spend all my time trying to look incredibly fantastic and neglect reviewing the words I say and how they could impact society,” said both cable news anchors, proving Ms. Chalmers squirrel theory.
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