Wikileaks Intern Mistakenly Publishes Assange's Most Recent STD Test Results

February 6, 2018

 

Wikileaks, the website known around the world for wreaking havoc on America and other nations that don’t jail, poison or assassinate political opponents, suffered a major embarrassment when an intern mistakenly published Julian Assange’s latest STD test results instead of the infamous Schiff Memo.

 

The Satirical Post reached out to Wikileaks to find out how such an error could occur, but surprisingly for an organization bent on revealing secrets, they were in no mood to be transparent about how their leader’s most private and closely held secrets were revealed to the world.

 

It was only after our London bureau office dispatched a series of reporters to the Ecuadorian embassy in London, where Mr. Assange has stayed for the last five years to avoid extradition to Sweden, where he faces charges of rape, did he finally appear from his balcony on the second story.

 

“It’s one thing when you expose other people’s secrets, but to have your own exposed is a total nightmare,” said Julian Assange from the balcony.

 

When asked if he was worried that it would be difficult to get a date with his STD results now readily available online, Mr. Assange responded, “No. Very few women want to be around me to begin with. What I’m most concerned about is all the women I’ve lied to over the years. I’ll have to consult my lawyer to see if I have an liability there."  

 

So what were the results of Mr. Assange’s latest STD test? Well let’s just say when we contacted his most recent lover, former Playmate and sex tape pioneer, Pamela Anderson, she hasn’t even heard of one of the Mr. Assange's ailments. “What is that? Is that a skin thing? Oh my God,” Ms. Anderson said just before puking.

 

Before we left Mr. Assange’s apartment, he asked us if we would come back to spend more time with him. “Do you want to know how I’ve avoided the wrath of the Me Too movement? I’ll tell you if you come back tomorrow,” pleaded Mr. Assange.

 

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