American Airlines Changes Carry-On Policy to Accommodate Full Flights of Desperate Passengers

February 12, 2018

 

Due to limited space in overhead bins, frequently forcing travelers boarding in the last few groups to check their bags, American Airlines has made a change to its carry on policy, drastically reducing the allowable size of carryon luggage and eliminating the ‘personal item’ altogether.

 

"This new, convenient size will allow every ticket-paying passenger the opportunity to store their carry on in the overhead space above their seat. No longer will the last two boarding groups be required to check their carry ons due to overcapacity,” said American Airlines CEO Doug Parker. 

 

“Plus it will net our company another billion dollars a year in check-baggage fees, and net me personally another fifty million in stock-opion value. But above all we feel its the right decision for our desperate customers,” Mr. Parker explained.

 

The convenient new carry on size, roughly the size of a cracker jack box, would fit one pair of socks and a pair of underwear, a drastic reduction in size.

 

Travelers aren’t convinced this decision is in their own best interest. “The only reason everyone uses a carry on is because the airlines charge $25, $30 per checked bag. It would cost my family $300 to check bags every time we travel,” complained Atlanta resident Mark Albanese. 

 

“I wouldn’t even know where to get a bag that small. Who even sells something like that? It’s ridiculous,” added Mr. Albanese.

 

The Satirical Post reached out to travel expert known as The Points Guy in order to get his unbiased, professional opinion on the new carry on size. 

 

“This is very positive for desperate passengers, because carrying luggage through an airport is such a drag. Now we don’t have to do that anymore because we’ll all be checking our luggage. Plus, American Airlines promised me free first class travel for the next five years if I plugged the hell out of this new policy.”

 

When asked if desperate passengers should be worried about their bags being lost now that hundreds of more bags will be checked for every flight, The Points Guy responded assuringly, "For those of you worried American will lose your checked bag, don’t sweat it. They’re on it. They rarely lose a bag.”

 

 

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