5 Reasons Why Uncle Drew is the Best Movie Ever

June 29, 2018

 

FYI: Because our film critic only watches movies available on Red Box, his reviews of theatrically released films are based solely on hackneyed troupes made popular by Hollywood filmmakers, and thus any plot spoilers are mere coincidence (there are no spoilers).

 

1. Fewer Actors

Actors are not very talented people. They’re prized more so for their looks and ability to be told what to do, than any sort of measurable substantive skills. Athletes on the other hand, are God's gift to humanity -- they bring us to tears, make friends out of strangers, and instill great pride in the masses. They are a testament to what human beings have in us to achieve. Knowing this, the filmmakers of Uncle Drew (UD) made the wise decision to cut out as many actors as they could (who these days seem more interested in voicing their banal platitudes on some social issue) and replace them with championship athletes. Remember the old adage, the whole world is like High School: athletes are cool and you’ll never have a chance with Carolyne Bissell.

 

2. Pepsi

Many filmgoers would be surprised to learn that the impetus of this film came from advertisements for the delicious soft drink Pepsi, which were so successful they decided to make the commercials into a feature film. Now I’m sure hypocritical critics (who are bought and paid for as corporate content marketers… unlike yours truly) will be quick to criticize UD for its partnership with a multinational beverage, snack, and food corporation, but these eggheads miss the true consumer value of multi-level-branded content. Seeing UD allows you to enjoy a completely curated Pepsi experience: you get to drink Mountain Dew out of UD souvenir cups, stuff your face with Tostito’s chips and salsa, and watch pure cinema from the 3rd biggest food and drink company in the world. Pepsi, truly the taste of a new generation!

 

3. Old People* with a twist!

Old people are great! They're full of wisdom and have privileged access to those strawberry hard candies all grandparents keep in a silver dish on the side table. The one downside to old people is that years of disappointment and the eternal pull of gravity saps them of all their energy. This means you will never see your grandpa dunk, no matter how many times you set up the mini trampoline, lower the hoop in the driveway to 8 ft, and bark motivational quotes through your cupped hands at him. UD solves this problem by dressing up current NBA superstars as old people, so you get to experience something that only awaits you in heaven: grandpas ballin’!!! It’s probably all 4DX Theaters in heaven too. Lord knows they don't pay you enough at the Satirical Post to afford those kinda tickets in this life.

 

4. Shaq Comes into his Own

Recognition of genius artistic talent takes time. Much like Da Vinci, or Cezanne, Shaq’s talents were only appreciated in the Autumn years of his life. He got into the acting game late, moving to Los Angeles to try his hand at basketball before realizing his physical gifts were better suited to the stage. Since his start in early films like Kazaam and Steel, Shaq's been quietly developing a unique and naturalistic acting style that gets better with each subsequent film. Critics laud Daniel Day Lewis for spending months getting into character in preparation for a role, but Shaq's been preparing for this performance for over a decade -- He refused to get into shape during NBA offseasons, sacrificing his chances of being the greatest center in basketball history, in order to one day star in UD as a has been basketball player and in the process become a film icon. His commitment to the craft is breathtaking to behold.

 

5. You Don't See Kyrie Irving's face

Ever since you lost $3K betting on Duke to repeat as National Champions, you've loathed Kyrie Irving with a passion that’s usually reserved for commies, or the hippies who canvass for non-profits outside of grocery stores (actually, now that I think about it, there’s a lot of crossover between the two). Well, in Uncle Drew, a movie he’s the star of in mind you, Kyrie Irving doesn’t ever show his face! He wears prosthetics and makeup the whole time, allowing you to enjoy the character of Uncle Drew, and not have to worry about THREE GRAND DOWN THE DRAIN FOR A HURT TOE? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Sure it was a stupid bet pre-season, but A HURT TOE?!?!?! WHAT IS THAT?!!

 

Overall Review: 5.0 BEST MOVIE EVER!

 

To read more movie reviews from The Satirical Post visit our ARTS section.

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