1. TOM CRUISE SUPPORTERS NEED NOT LIVE IN FEAR ANYMORE
Since 2005, the elites in the media have waged an all out war against Tom Cruise attempting smear him in every way imaginable. It’s disturbing to report that it was largely successful and most Americans turned on him for what in retrospect were the most dubious of reasons: expressing his newfound love on Oprah’s show, participating in an organized religion, and calling Matt Lauer glib (knowing now what a detestable scoundrel Lauer is, it’s clear that TC let him off easy).
In the aftermath of this propaganda campaign, TC supporters had to hide their true beliefs, go underground, and live a life of quiet desperation, unable to participate fully in society. During workplace conversations about movies they would have to remain silent while overhearing bigoted remarks about about TC’s “crazy” religious beliefs. At a BBQ and they would have to look the other way. For years, millions of Americans lived in constant terror of seeing Matt Lauer on the TV glaring lasciviously back at them… but no more!
The times are changing. There were whispers of a TC comeback, rumors of the Best Film Ever in the works, and finally after years spent biding his time, TC found the perfect moment to release this monument of a film. It’s a film that is so good, he rightfully reclaims his place at the top, and in the process sets his supporters free to openly celebrate his greatness. We’re no longer afraid to say, “WE ARE TOM CRUISE FANS AND WE ARE PROUD!”
2. IT TELLS COMIC BOOK FANS TO GROW UP
Not much was made in the mainstream media about Mission Impossible newcomer, Henry Cavill, and his decision to grow a mustache. Aside from one writer at The Satirical Post, no one in the press truly appreciates the boldness it takes for a man to wear an upper lip umbrella. However, this was no ordinary mustache (side note: no mustache is ordinary, they are all unique and special. Their individual beauty is meant to be respected and admired — much like snowflakes).
This mustache grown specifically for Mission Impossible: Fallout (MILF) not only upped the testosterone levels in the film, a feat I didn’t think was possible in a TC film, but more importantly, it told comic book nerds to adopt responsibility and get out of their parents’ basements. Prior to MILF, Cavill played uninteresting character, “Superman”, a watered down ripoff of TC’s archetypal Ethan Hunt, in the new DC Comics superhero “films”. When they needed him to do reshoots for those “films”, he refused to shave his mustache, signifying to the man-boy masses that superhero “films” are childish and that real men favor the more mature (and masculine!) spy films. It’s rumored that during breaks from shooting, TC and Cavill would wear mustaches together and visit comic book stores to give nerds positive male role models and a clear vision of manhood to aspire to. Amen.
3. IT DOES THE IMPOSSIBLE
“Impossible” is a very difficult philosophical concept for most people to understand. Its origin can’t be clearly sourced, but linguistic historians believe it means something close to “not possible”. I mention this because MILF does the “not possible”, by making a movie about a mission that is literally impossible (an impossible mission in its own right, no?) but yet, through its sheer greatness, becomes possible. Even more astounding, this is the sixth time that TC personally has done the impossible by accepting a mission that was impossible, and somehow accomplishes it, making it possible.
It’s a paradox that modern philosophers cannot reconcile and will undoubtably be analyzed and debated in classrooms for the ages, like Schrodinger’s Cat or how McCauley Culkin was able to date Mila Kunis for years. I’ve heard cynical film critics suggest that the title is hyperbole and that the mission was never actually impossible, merely difficult, but I ask you this, dear reader, who stands more to gain from this line of thinking? The filmmakers selflessly giving away a miracle for the masses, or some film critic hoping to make a name for himself? I, both a critic and member of TC's church, choose to believe in miracles.
4. IT'S A LOVE LETTER TO THE GENRE
All films owe a substantial debt to the films that preceded them. Every filmmaker would readily admit that they pay homage to their film influences in their films: by making films with cameras, having actors say things, and of course, abusing their position of power by offering roles in exchange for sexual favors. MILF is no different — in fact, it is a love letter to the genre of Mission Impossible films. Only shrewd filmgoers will notice that the characters in the film are actually characters that appeared earlier before in the franchise. The filmmakers even allude to the numerous times that TC’s super spy Ethan Hunt saved the world by having him save the world again.
The level of specific detail that goes into MILF’s references is astounding — only film scholars will recognize that the stunts TC performs (running, fighting, and running again) are reminiscent of the stunts he did in previous Mission Impossible films. (It’s also worth noting that TC does all of his own stunts, but still brings on paid stuntmen just to watch him and take notes. A stuntman, who wishes to remain anonymous, informed me that TC’s physical prowess and derring-do is an inspiration stuntmen worldwide and elicits a palpable sexual charge amongst them). MILF is the most recent film in the Mission Impossible film genre to so succinctly take the cumulative Mission Impossible film history and add on to it — a feat unsurpassed since the last Mission Impossible.
5. “KICK ROCKS, JEREMY RENNER!”
As a journalist, it is my responsibility to only report the facts and leave any potential bias or speculation out of my work. Which is why I want be upfront with you regarding my opinion of Jeremy Renner — I think he’s a real ass! A little backstory: I was once in a West Hollywood bar, working up the courage to sit down next to a beautiful woman, and potential future girlfriend, when in walks Mr. Hollywood big shot Jeremy Renner. He was fresh off his first role in the Mission Impossible franchise, rubbing shoulders with TC, and understandably, feeling very desirable. He pretended not to notice me sitting across the bar, clearly with this beautiful woman, and sat down next to her. She, just being nice, said something like, “Hey aren’t you in the new Mission Impossible?
I love those movies!” (Our love of Mission Impossible films was just one of the many things we were sure to have in common). And Jeremy Renner, this pompous goon, replies saying, “Thank you. That’s very kind of you to say. I am.” They began talking, and my potential future fiance, again just being nice, starts to pretend that they share a lot of interests and even feigns sexual chemistry with him. The rest of the night gets a little hazy as I was furiously pounding down vodka cranberries, but I remember clearly that jerk Renner pretending to be a nice guy and ordering me a cab home after I confronted him about stealing my potential future wife and as a result was mistakenly thrown out of the bar. He even said something really passive aggressive like, “Hey man, I hope you feel better and get home safe!” Anyway, I got the last laugh because the makers of MILF eventually discovered what I already knew: Jeremy Renner is a loser. They replaced him with the much more mustachioed, Henry Cavill, who would never steal the potential future mother of my children. Kick rocks, Jeremy Renner!
Overall Review: 5.0 Best Movie Ever!
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