5 Reasons Why Ant-Man and the Wasp is the Best Movie Ever

July 6, 2018

 

FYI: Because our film critic only watches movies available on Red Box, his reviews of theatrically released films are based solely on hackneyed troupes made popular by Hollywood filmmakers, and thus any plot spoilers are mere coincidence (there are no spoilers).

 

1. WASPS

No, not those pesky relatives of the bumblebee, I'm talking about blue bloods -- those fine American aristocrats of crisp pastel polos, ocean-worn sperry topsiders, and an attitude that says, ‘Who cares? It's only Nantucket.’’ WASP culture has regrettably taken a backseat in the modern era to the hedonistic passions of our barbarian masses: fast food chains, state school educations, and perhaps the biggest attack on our western heritage, blue jeans (seriously, what ever happened to khaki?!). The makers of AMATW play homage to WASPS in both subtle and not so subtle ways. They brought in a more capable superhero named the WASP, who inspires awe in the underman personifier (ANT-MAN), and teaches him how to play squash. The filmmakers also chose to release the film on the weekend after July 4th, signally a wind change in western culture, and a return to preppy ideals. God bless AMATW and God bless America. 

 

2. Kansas City Barbeque

Paul Rudd is from Kansas, and while I’m unfamiliar with his filmography, I’m very familiar with that wonderful Metropolis of Kansas and the delicious barbeque it was named after. Some people make pilgrimages to Holy sites in the middle east, but my annual religious journey takes the form of a drunken weekend eating meats covered in sticky sweat brown grease. It’s a real point of pride of mine to say that I’ve had 5 meals in one day at Joe’s Kansas City Bar-B-Que. That includes the 3 traditional, one mid-day snack, and a puke-n-rally after a daylong Coor’s Banquet Beer banquet. AMATW forced Mr. Rudd to make the usual PR rounds meeting journalists to discuss the film with bbq sauce smeared on his face and instructed him to never wipe the bbq sauce from his fingers or face in deference to Kansas City Barbeque. 

 

3. HasBRO, bro!

Action figures are very cool. I got in a screaming match with mother last week on this very topic, so I can speak with some authority on it (the old bat was trying to clean my childhood bedroom and give away my plastic retirement fund to ‘kids in need’?!) I know some members of our intelligentsia think that it’s childish for grown men to play with toys, or that it’s somehow indicative of our infantilized culture, but AMATW knows that man-babies are an exclusive market of sophisticated investors that need to be catered to. They made this film in connection with Hasbro, not to make money for themselves, but to make money for US! Not only do we get a bad-ass movie, we also get some bad-ass collectibles, which will only increase in value and over time will eventually pay for themselves, the movie tickets, and the Kansas City BBQ you smuggled into the movie theater.

 

4. The hot chick from LOST is in it

LOST is the worst show to ever be on TV. Seven years I spent watching some dummies on an island seeing monsters, meeting “others”, being bald, and with no resolution. A quick IMDb search reveals those responsible to be showrunners Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse. I’m currently scheming on a long-term plan to seek my revenge, but I haven’t gotten much further than the aforementioned IMDb search. Anyway, I bring this up only because the one glimmer of sunshine that still warms my heart after that ridiculous finale (They’re all dead?! REALLY?! That’s it? What about the hieroglyphs? The four toed statue?! THE FUCKING TIME TRAVELING?!?!) is Kate. She’s the hot chick from LOST and stars in AMATW as the Wasp (Naturally. See #1). So that’s pretty cool. 

 

5. Michael Douglas has a Goatee

MIchael Douglas is known for a lot of things: being the son of Hollywood Icon, Kirk Douglas, being married to Catherine Zeta Jones, getting roles and publicity for being the son/husband of Kirk Douglas/Catherine Zeta Jones, but one thing he’s not known for is having a goatee. It’s a real treat for fans of cinema to see Michael Douglas acting with a goatee. I wasn’t sure exactly how he would look with it, but after a couple minutes into the film, I was able to put it out of my mind and just enjoy the character. As a man who has always wanted to encircle his mouth with hair, but lacks the genes to connect his mustache and chin hair, I found myself really admiring Goateed Michael Douglas for the goatee he brought to AMATW. It’s so inspiring, I think there’s going to be a new section in Goateed Michael Douglas’s wikipedia page just for it (even if I’m the one who has to write it).

 

Overall Review: 5.0 BEST MOVIE EVER!

 

To read more Movie Reviews by Kip visit our ARTS page.

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