5 Reasons Why Skyscraper is the Best Movie Ever

July 16, 2018

 

FYI: Because our film critic only watches movies available on Red Box, his reviews of theatrically released films are based solely on hackneyed troupes made popular by Hollywood filmmakers, and thus any plot spoilers are mere coincidence (there are no spoilers).

 

1. It's Like You're Actually in a Skyscraper (I think)

To be honest, I've actually never been in a skyscraper. Now, it's not like I'm some weirdo who's afraid of heights or anything. I just haven't had the opportunity, that's all. I have been very close to many skyscrapers though In fact, in college I almost interned at the New York Times in their skyscraper, but found a much more suitable internship (with pay!) as a cashier at the Dunkin Donuts by the entrance. In Skyscraper the film, you get to experience everything you would in a real skyscraper: the long dreadful elevator ride to the top, getting the nerve to stand near the windows so that you can peak out of them just for a second, and then eventually getting back down to the ground floor where it's much safer. Skyscraper was so successful at conveying the feeling of being in a skyscraper that I probably won't ever need to be in one.

 

2. The Rock Officially Announces his Presidential Candidacy

There have long been rumors about the Rock running for president of the United States (I personally try to spread them as much as possible). The American public and the world at large are in dire need of a strongman to lead them -- I would even go so far as to say that we want the Rock to be more than our president, perhaps our king or benevolent dictator. In Skyscraper, The Rock announces to the world that he will run for President, by leading us on an exciting journey to save a modern tower of Babel from destruction An apt metaphor for his goal to unite the world and turn our collective attention to mankind's one true enemy: China.

 

3. China

Skyscraper takes place in China, which means either 2 things: the filmmakers are trying to appeal to China's growing middle class, or the Rock is gathering dirt on the Chinese to use when he becomes our World King (King of the World? Maybe just King?). China is a world leader in corporate espionage, known for international deception and patent infringement. The Rock studied for his "film role" by touring Chinese factories and taking plenty of pictures (These were not carefree mementos I imagine). I'm confident that the Rock's been carefully preparing documented proof of China's misdeeds in order to hold them accountable when he becomes King. 

 

4. Amputees

Movies make you think about the world in different ways. They illuminate all of the interesting things people are capable of doing and help to break down old stereotypes and outdated ideologies. For example, before A League of Their Own, the women playing baseball movie, I had no idea that Madonna could act. In Skyscraper, the Rock plays an amputee, which does so much to change my perception of them as people. I assumed they wouldn't be able to do everything that able bodied people can, but in Skyscraper, the Rock shows us that actually amputees have much more muscle mass, hand to hand combat skills, and general heroism than normal people. It's no wonder disabled people get the closest parking spots -- they deserve it for kicking so much ass!

 

5. It Teaches Fire Safety

You might think that everyone knows fires are bad, but think again. For the last 70 years fire safety has stalled out and needs an immediate jump. It's estimated that almost 75 million homes in America have fireplaces -- can you believe that?! A DESIGNATED PLACE TO HAVE A FIRE IN YOUR HOME?! It's one of the most irresponsible and shocking things about modern life that we promote fires to such a degree (pun very-much intended!). This is why Skyscaper comes as such a relief, because it shows the viewers that fires are actually really bad. You might think seeing a skyscraper burning is justice for the arrogant architects who dared to unnecessarily make a building have multiple floors, but actually it's very scary. Skyscraper teaches us that fires and burning skyscrapers are never appropriate. Fires only belong in commercials for burger restaurants and that's necessary to show how well cooked the burgers are.

 

Overall Review: 5.0 BEST MOVIE EVER!

 

To read more brilliant reviews by Kip Stanton visit our MOVIE REVIEWS page.

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