School Safety Report: Intro to Trauma Surgery is Quickly Replacing Antiquated Gym Class

April 20, 2018

 

As schools across the country fortify their classrooms and prepare students for unthinkable tragedy, many have added 'Intro to Trauma Surgery' to their core curriculum, making room for it by scrapping gym class.

 

“To those who say there’s nothing we can do to stop school shootings, I agree with you 100%,” said Barry Harrison, local principal at Cedar Park High School in Cedar Park, Wisconsin.

 

“That’s why we’re teaching our kids everything from basic triage to vascular surgery. We want them to be able to save each other while they wait for medical professionals to save them,” continued Mr. Harrison. “And let's face it. Gym class hasn't done anything to slow childhood obesity."

 

Gym coaches are united in their support of reallocating the 50 minutes they used to waste.

 

“We don’t teach home economics, or home-ec, anymore because of feminism. Well the same thing now goes for gym class. I can’t teach a kid to out run a bullet no matter how hard I try,” said David Bartz, gym teacher at Cedar Park High, as he wiped away a tear.

 

Critics of the program call it a publicity stunt meant to draw attention to the fact that kids are needlessly dying in schools across the country.

 

“Why do we need to remind ourselves that so many kids die needlessly just because they’re sitting in a classroom trying to learn,” questioned a local resident who lives on the southwest corner of 12th Ave and Baker St in Lawrence, Kansas who asked not to be named due to hyper sensitivity surrounding school shootings.

 

“I don’t want anyone reminding me our country has a horrible, horrible problem on our hands. It’s better left under the carpet until it goes away naturally. On it’s own,” added the local resident who has a scar on his right hand above his middle finger.

 

When asked how the high school program in Cedar Park, Wisconsin was going, Principal Harrison told us, “We tried letting the kids play basketball in the gym with the surgical stations set up but we had an issue with a scalpel being flung and…well let’s just say we were lucky the accident happened with so many qualified surgeons available to help.”

 

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