Alex Jones Releases Supplement Designed for Nuclear Fallout Survival

April 14, 2018

 

Concerned with the welfare of Americans if nuclear war were to break out, Alex Jones has spent his life fortune earned by selling supplements to create ‘The Last Supper’ of supplements, meant to save humanity from nuclear fallout by transforming people into werewolves.

 

“Why werewolves? Because science has proven that werewolves can only be killed by a silver bullet. Nuclear weapons can’t kill them,” explained Alex Jones of Info Wars when contacted by The Satirical Post.

 

“That’s right. A nuclear holocaust is coming folks, make no mistake about it. And do you want to be fried into oblivion by gas so hot that your eyeballs turn into bursting stars? Well unless you buy my supplement that’s exactly what’s going to happen to you and all your loved ones,” continued Mr. Jones.

 

When asked how the pills work Mr. Jones launched into the specific scenario he sees so many Americans confronting in the next six months.

 

“Picture a Russian nuclear bomb falling from the sky right above your house. Or a North Korean nuclear bomb, because we know they have the capability to strike anywhere in the US now. So this bomb is ten seconds from frying you and your family, all you have to do is reach for the supplement, take four pills, no matter your size or eye color, and in five seconds flat all your human cells and molecules will be transformed into werewolf cells and molecules,” explained Mr. Jones.

 

The Satirical Post reached out to several leading scientists to see if there was any validity to Mr. Jones’s claim.

 

“I took four pills this morning and I’m still a human being,” said leading molecular biologist Dr. Richard Cain of Cedar Sinai hospital in Los Angeles.

 

Alex Jones is prepared for doubters who claim he is selling fear in the form of a placebo.

 

“That’s why it says on the bottle to take the pills right before a nuclear attack. There’s a special chemical reaction between the pills working in your blood stream and the nuclear blast that transforms cells. I’ve seen it work. It’s incredible and I’m raising a little werewolf right now because of it,” said Mr. Jones, implying the test experiment he referenced earlier was a child.

 

“Have you ever seen a little baby werewolf? It’s the cutest thing,” he added.

 

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