NSA Office Pool Loser Jared Kushner Forced to Grow John Bolton Mustache

March 24, 2018

 

As loser of the White House NSA office pool, Jared Kushner, special advisor to the president, incorrectly selected The Rock winning the job of National Security Advisor, replacing the embattled three-star general H.R. McMaster.

 

Adhering to the office pool rules, Mr. Kushner must now grow a mustache resembling that of John Bolton, the newly appointed National Security Advisor who some say resembles a walrus without tusks.

 

“I really thought The Rock was the right choice. He’s exhibited great combat skills, management skills, and strategic planning skills in movies like Central Intelligence, G.I. Joe and Baywatch,” explained Mr. Kushner. “Plus he’s physically striking and it’s almost impossible to not have a poster of him hanging in your bedroom,” added Mr. Kushner.

 

Mr. Kushner's top four candidates included John Bolton, The Rock, H.R. McMaster and Vladimir Putin, who he admits was a long shot based on the fact Mr. Putin would have had to step down as Russian President to serve as American National Security Advisor.

 

Other participants in the NSA office pool included Ivanka Trump, Kellyanne Conway, John Kelly, and Baron Trump. President Trump also filled out a bracket, even though the responsibility of choosing the next National Security Advisor fell on his shoulders.

 

“Yes. I did fill out a bracket. Although unlike Jared I didn’t have John Bolton in my bracket,” admitted Mr. Trump.

 

Ivanka Trump was thrilled The Rock didn’t get the job. “I would have had to shave my head. That or bulk up to about 250 pounds. So I opted to shave my head if he won,” she said when reached by telephone from someone in The Satirical Post’s D.C. bureau office.

 

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters the NSA office pool was a great bonding experience for a staff reeling from firings, protest quits, and general uncertainty.

 

“Playing a game where the current White House staff guesses who will be fired and hired next has been a great morale booster and brought everyone closer, even if it’s only for a few hours until the next person is fired via Twitter,” said Mrs. Huckabee Sanders.

 

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