Facebook Assures Users with Zero Friends Their Information is Exploited Too

Breaking his silence, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg gave an interview where he sought to give comfort to users who felt left out of the latest data breach due to the fact they have zero friends on his social media platform.

“I understand people’s desire to be included in what’s popular. FOMO is real. Fear of missing out drives the behavior of all our users, even the losers with zero friends. So to all the losers out there with zero friends, please know you are not missing out, because we exploit your data just as much as the users with a million friends or followers,” said Mr. Zuckerberg.

Peter Mosley, a local resident of Sioux Falls, South Dakota with zero friends on Facebook was grateful Mr. Zuckerberg took time out of his busy schedule to tell him he was as exploitable as everyone else on the social media platform.

“Thank God. I mean, every day I wake up with the first thought that I’m a loser. But now I can wake up knowing I’m as important to Facebook’s business model as Justin Beiber or Nelson Mandela,” said Mr. Mosley.

When told that Nelson Mandela died years ago and is not a current user of Facebook, Mr. Mosley went into a fit of rage and physically abused our local reporter in Sioux Falls sending him to the ER.

Mr. Zuckerberg tried to put into context how so much data could be stolen from his network. “I actually don’t like to use the word ‘people' when talking about our platform. I prefer to say ‘users’ because it strips away any sense of humanity, which makes our business model of exploitation much easier.”

When asked if he was concerned that users would delete their accounts in protest of the way Facebook has treated their information, Mr. Zuckerberg responded, “No. Because tomorrow we will be flooding the network with fake news stories about how user data is secure and unable to pilfer. Our users are total idiots who believe such stories.”

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