Uber Admits Hubris is Behind the Wheel of all their Driverless Cars
Self Driving Car Photo Credit: smoothgroover22
Tragedy has struck Silicon Valley once again as tech titans come to grips with their failure to demonstrate how horrible ideas like self-driving cars are more important than human beings.
“We take full responsibility. The fact that when someone dies from a self-driving car, we as a company take heat is proof we’ve done a horrible job convincing the world driverless cars are as necessary as toilet paper,” explained Uber’s CEO Dara Khosrowshahi.
The Satirical Post spent the day talking to people on the streets of Tempe, Arizona asking them what they thought of driverless-cars.
“On one hand I don’t remember anyone asking that we invent driverless cars, but on the other hand we never asked someone to invent McDonalds. And I love McDonalds,” replied Dave Cazalas, local resident and Uber driver in Tempe.
“I guess since they’re planning on laying me off I’d vote to shut down driverless cars,” added Mr. Cazalas after giving the question another second of thought.
Samantha Montgomery, a local resident of Flagstaff, Arizona thought self-driving cars were actually a prank. "I had no idea they were real. I thought it was a big practical joke," admitted Ms. Montgomery.
Not every tech titan promising to make the world a better place was so conciliatory about the latest driverless car accident.
“Did railroads kill people? Of course. In fact hundreds of people died just building railroads, but that didn’t put an end to our country's commitment to the railcar,” said Google's Chairman Eric Schmidt. “So why does a one-off death here or there have to stop one of Silicon Valley’s worst ideas ever? Plus we already have around 100 billion dollars invested in this program” added Mr. Schmidt.
Mr. Schmidt even threatened to pursue a worse idea in retaliation if congress puts a stop to their mission of removing people from cars.
“What do you think about a digital diaper that decomposes feces while strapped to a baby? You want us to launch that product? Then stay away from our driverless cars,” said Mr. Schmidt.
As of now congress has no desire to pass a law requiring a real human be strapped into the drivers seat of a car.
“We’re going to treat driverless car deaths just like gun violence, opioids, and cigarettes. Until we see deaths rise into the tens of thousands we’re not going to do anything,” said Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell.
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