A Must Read: Rex Tillerson's Exit Interview with Chief of Staff John Kelly

March 16, 2018

 

President Trump’s first Secretary of State Rex Tillerson was fired on Tuesday and amidst the turmoil of being let go in the middle of negotiating the terms and details of a peace summit with North Korea, Mr. Tillerson took the time to sit down with Mike Kelly, the White House chief of staff, to give an exit interview.

 

Just yesterday Mr. Tillerson contacted The Satirical Post and offered us a transcript of his exit interview. His explication for sending us the transcript? “This exit interview was my best work as Secretary of State and I didn’t want it to go unnoticed,” explained Mr. Tillerson.

 

Here now is the transcript of Mr. Tillerson’s exit interview with chief of staff John Kelly.

 

BEGINNING OF TRANSCRIPT

 

KELLY: On a scale of 1 to 1,000,000,000 how would you rate your experience as Secretary of State?

 

TILLERSON: I’d say a 6. Actually a 5. Mark me down as a 5.

 

KELLY: What is your stance on North Korea? Should we be talking to them?

 

TILLERSON: Is that question for me? Or the new Secretary of State?

 

KELLY: It’s for you. We forgot to ask you this before we hired you so we’re just doing it now. So should we be talking to the North Koreans?

 

TILLERSON: Yes.

 

KELLY: We never would have hired you if we knew that. Why is global warming a scam?

 

TILLERSON: Next question.

 

KELLY: I’ll put you down as undecided on global warming. Do you know Kim Jong-un's shoe size?

 

TILLERSON: I have no idea.

 

KELLY: Do you want to guess?

 

TILLERSON: He might be an 8-1/2. Why?

 

KELLY: The president feels much more confident in a negotiation if he knows he has bigger feet. You know what they say about people with big feet?

 

TILLERSON: I vaguely remember people with small feet talking about this topic in junior high school.

 

KELLY: What can be improved to make your former job better?

 

TILLERSON: I always liked eating a Slim Jim after lunch. I’d recommend putting some Slim Jims in the State Department cafeteria. And those fun-sized bags of Funyuns.

 

KELLY: Anything else? It’s okay to criticize the President. He already fired you.

 

TILLERSON: I see no need to replace me. We don’t need a Secretary of State anymore. It would reduce the size of government by about $150,000 a year and open up a seat in the situation room for Ivanka’s kids if her babysitter calls in sick.

 

KELLY: I told you you could criticize the President. How dare you criticize Ivanka. She’s the first daughter.

 

TILLERSON: She's a senior advisor to the President.

 

KELLY: When it’s convenient for her, or if Theresa May or Angela Merkel were in the room, yes, she would be a senior advisor. But just a few seconds ago when I asked you that question she was only a first daughter. Disgraceful.

 

TILLERSON: I'll still get my tax cut for selling all my Exxon stock, right?

 

KELLY: Of course. We'll make sure you're better off than if you never took this job. The only caveat is the president will not be writing you a letter of recommendation.

 

TILLERSON: F*@king moron.

 

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